From an email:
"Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me
tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to
be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and
you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately
I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:
1. Phone Calls/Text Messages: While I agree with you that
communication is important. I question the suggestion that conversation after 2
a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the
day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a
good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with
a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped
off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my
balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down.
It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my
body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me
more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4.
Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know
a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the
3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor
with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way
interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our
friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask
that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your
possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a
moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1.
Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS
THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British
Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT
IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have
sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my
type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
5. Oh, I
couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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